My Crazy Wee Family

I have a crazy wee family there is my maw paranormal investigator never finds fuck all but on day, my sister the minister she to bless everything incase we get attacked by monsters, me been sent to martial art after martial art so one of us can fight monsters along with my extensive knowledge of tech and science am the main man, aye right. My maw taught me all I need to know. Then there is my dad he drives the van and gets the Gregg’s in.

Maw came running in this day “I have found what I am looking for “aw here we go again. “you know that house, the big one where they that rich man died gave his should to some demon”

“Right maw what’s the plan?”

“We are going to investigate, the woman that owns it is doing tours, you take the dog see if you can anything”

“So when?”

“Now get yer finger out, where’s you sister?”

Eventually we all get moving and head round. We are sitting in the main living room the wife that owns the place is doing some chat about how this guy opened doors and spoke to demons blah blah. I take a walk round the room and the painting on the wall above the fire seems to change as I walk “what is with that painting? It keeps changing” the woman went on to tell a story resulting the picture changes to revel the true face of the former owner, “But it is impossible to see all the angles at once”

“Oh aye gee us a shot” I take the painting down and begin photographing every angle then using my laptop and Photoshop I find the true face. I turn it round “There you go mum”

“That’s no very nice is it, let the woman see then take the dog round”

So I take slimmer and the emf reader. The house has stairs everywhere, we try every door but none open, finally we to the last door, slimmer goes mental barking and scratching at the wood work.

“Aw whit dug you’ve lost it” pulling the emf reader out my pocket it goes nuts “Aw whit no this has lost it” I run to the stop of the stairs “Haw maw gonnae come up here the noo the dugs went daft and the emf reader is going tae”

Maw and Dad run up the stair eventully follwed my sister, never in a rush, “well what going then”

“The dug went daft at this door so put the emf ma bob on and it went daft tae, “

“Did ye try tae open it?”

“open what the dug?”

“No ya goat the door did you try to open the door”

“Aye right then, the dug barks and emf thingy goes aff am no opening fuck all”

“Lanuage in front of your sister “
“maw av heard it before”  so my sister pushes us out the way and reaches for the door with my dad holding slimmer back we go in. Slimer breaks loose and charges into the room “Aw dad kin you no hawd that dug fur two minutes?”

“Its strong beast that yin” we all look at him and say “aye and your no”

Slimmer is in the middle of the room going mental running around barking then running back to us then back to middle. “Calm doon daft mutt whits the malfunction” I look round and see dolls loads of dolls realistic too. “Aw right these dolls creep the shit out of me. Am waiting in the van” dad takes off down the stairs. “Naw go get Gregg’s 2 sausage rolls, a stake bake, a pie, a choclate doughnut, a Belgian bun, 2 irn brus, and a tea oh and something fur yer self.” maw declares. The other three of us look around slowly till we come to one with a basket on its on head “Let’s take this off see how creepy this is”

“STOP!” roars the woman guide “don’t touch that, and get out of this room this room is off limits and not part of the tour”

“Look misses oor dug went daft and emf reader went off so there is something supernatural about this room, so gonae fuck off and…….”


“Aw shut up, leave us be to investigate.” The woman storms off insulted by my maws words. “Right you laddie take that basket off”

I reach over to remove the basket, and again slimmer goes mental pulling at my jacket and jumping in front of me teeth showing. “Aw beat it slimmer your no even scary ya big shitey pants”

Pushing him out the way I lift the basket off the head. Below is a beautiful crafted face and realistic eyes more realistic than the other dolls and that’s saying something. “Did that move?” my sister jumps back towards the door. The door slams shut. Slimmer is no longer being big brave angry dog now hiding behinde us shaking and whimpering. “Whits up wi you noo?” I ask him

“It did move, it blinked am telling ye it blinked”

“its no like you tae be sae jumpy” I turn back round and catch the doll blink “OH YA FUCKER! A seen that what is that aboot maw”

“No idea” next thing it stands up, almost my height. Long hair and in a black dress frilly at the bottom. “You have awoken me why have you awoken me”


“Oh ya belter we found something this time get yer camera oot sitck it on video” I do as I am told but the dolls get starts to get agittaeted “Why did you awaken me”

“Look hen, tells who ye are? And whit happened tae ye”

“I am Myka from dragons valley I was killed but a man summoned me and kept me in here that baket when something is placed in it or it is placed on something it forces them into a deep sleep”

“show her that photo of the guy that owned the hoose”

I take out my laptop and fire it up the chimes go for the opening “What witch craft is this?”

“How long ye been sleeping lassie?” I find the photo and turn it round to her horror she recognises the man. “Yes this is the man he summoned many demons, he brought me here to help him I was once a bitter and twisted person who summoned monsters to do my biding a long time ago. Only the sword of Cathan can kill him is he here?”

“No he died not long ago, that’s how we are here”

“But how did he die? Did someone find the sword and kill him”

“We don’t know we just heard he was dead and they were showing us round”

The stairs creek like nothing we have heard “he is here”

“Naw ya maddy it’s the wife that does the tours”

As soon as the woman walks back in the door “No why did you take her basket off, you have doomed us all, and she is witch a bringer of death….”

“Ach hawed yer whist lassie,” my maw interrupts “right she’s in here wi a basket on her heed for god knows how long,”turning to my sister “you ask him hen say wan of yer prayers see whit he kens, and you storm oot, then come back and she thinks your evil you say she’s evil and am just bloody lost now”

“Maw someone isn’t tell us the truth, wheres dad wi the Gregg’s wasn’t he going for Gregg’s?”

“This woman is not who she says she is.”

Black smoke fills the room and the tour woman glows red “Maw see this shit” the woman changes not into another woman but into a man with horns and a pig face “Wait that’s the guy in photo, haw you yer in the photo above the place, mind you said he was mining maw”

“I am the owner of this house you will be kept in the room along with her”

“Hello anybody in? where ye’s aw went av found something in the back garden its auld state wi a sword when a got close to it, it dropped the sword so a thought a wid bring it in see whit yous hink, Hello right if you jump oot on me ya wee shit am shoving this up yer arse.” Dad comes plodding up the stair with this auld sword in his hands. “The sword, get the sword” Cries Myka. The pig faced monster slams the door shut. Slimmer goes into action barking and biting “Get out there get that sword aff yer father go when the dug got it” struggling passed I fight to the door Myka holds up her hands and fires a bolt of light into the face of the creature. I open the door and quickly grab the sword. Thrusting it into the leg of the monster “you got to be kidding me” Myka slaps her self in forehead in disbelief. “His head cut off his head” she screams at me but I just get knocked flying and bang my head of the wall. The creature reaches for the women “Right you ya big fanny that’s ma laddie you just send flying over am taking that fi you” my maw waving her finger in the face of horrific horror before grabbing the sword from his leg and slicing his head clean off.

Myka runs over and checks if I am ok, which was a nice bonus. Finally dad gets in and after slimmer has licked him to death he asks “What happen in here? What did I miss?”

All three of us ma maw ma sister and me look at him and the same time “You missed the Gregg’s where’s the Gregg’s go get the Gregg’s we are starving”

“But who is she and what is that lying and where that stuck cow that showing us round aw bugger it”